This is my final planned post for “BROKENBOLE”. I believe it’s for a good reason though, and not because I am finished writing. (Thanks to all of you who read and helped me with this post before I sent it out publicly!)
I feel like it’s finally ok, and maybe even beneficial, to start writing posts in my own name @ CHRISKOZACEK.COM. But this story is much bigger, to me, than where I am writing my next blog post… It’s much more than just about moving on from where I blog. I recognize that moving on from anything never seems to be as smooth or complete as we want it to be - but it’s where I’m headed.
Even in writing this post, it’s now over a month in the making and it’s one of the most sensitive and nerve-wracking that I’ve ever written. It’s my hope that the story below shares how and why I’ve gotten to that place… This is about me trying to change, and what has been my constant quest to work through and move on from my past, and all the bad things I’ve thought about myself. But this is also about learning how not let other people have the full power of saying who I am, who I should have been, and who I should be now. (However, if this post in anyway comes across as prideful or bitter or non-caring about others - that is the furthest thing from where my heart is and what I am trying to convey. I truly hope and pray that it does not come across that way.)
NOW, TO THE STORY… There are 4 labels that I’ve believed about myself and have allowed a few others to have a voice about in my life…
1. … a sinner who cannot be given grace or forgiveness
2. … a feeler who was made inferior to thinkers
3. … a hypocrite
4. … a loser who doesn’t have the right skills, giftings, or beliefs to be a Pastor
The good thing is, and what has prompted all this… two of those labels God has helped change in a major way lately, and has finally gotten through to me about what I thought - or what I attributed to others about how they thought about me.
… for “the sinner who cannot be given grace or forgiveness” - a Youth Pastor whom I assumed despised me for how I lived as a teenager (and in turn represented how a whole church felt about me) wrote an amazing and humbling note to me offering forgiveness, after I contacted him to apologize for all the things I put him through when I was a teenager. And I unfairly assumed he, and this larger group of people, believed this label about me. I admit, there still may be some that think this, but to be fair, I’ve never truly asked most of them if they think this. So when I got his response, it somehow freed me from so much of what I thought that they thought about me. (Wow, that was kind of a tongue twister sentence huh?!)
… for “a feeler who was made inferior to thinkers ”- a great friend has spent a few years teaching me not to be afraid to share, and that I wasn’t made inferior by God. And that even though we are made very differently and even when we disagree, it doesn’t automatically mean I am wrong, stupid, or inferior. I hope our friendship has made both of us better, I know it certainly has for me.
however… two of those labels I’m still working through, because I can still hear the voices of others expressing these things about me:
… a hypocrite - I lived a really crappy life for God in my teens and early twenties. I’ve hurt people. I represented my faith poorly. I believe in and preach love, grace and forgiveness - but the truth is there are some moments or things that happened in the past where relationships and peoples’ thoughts about me may never be able to be reconciled and restored due to those choices or circumstances - which can make it seem very “anti” -love, -grace and -forgiveness.
…a loser who doesn’t have the right skills, giftings, or right beliefs to be a Pastor. Here’s the thing… I love Jesus - I truly believe in and trust that He is the best hope for a past, present and future that is filled with love, grace and purpose for life. And for the majority of my life, I’ve wanted to be a Pastor in a church and truly shepherd and care for people in that way. But because… + I’m not a great Biblical debater or scholar. + I’m not that dynamic personality up-front that is usually looked for. + I’m more relationship driven than knowledge driven. + If I were to err on either love or truth - it would be love. (But quite honestly I don’t know how you separate the two.) + I like reading and listening to Alan Hirsch, Michael Frost, Mike Yacanelli, Rob Bell, Leonard Sweet, Donald Miller, Paul Miller, and so on. + I loved “Velvet Elvis” and “the Shack“ (to name a few controversial books in my circles) and learned a lot from them - while not agreeing with everything that was written in them. But because I liked them… + I’ve voted for a few Democrats in my life. + I’m not as conservative theologically or politically as a number of the Christian leaders in my life have thought I should be. + I’m more of a feeler than a cognitive person when sorting through information or dealing with people. + I’m a softy… These are a few examples of the things I was told were wrong about me and in turn have kept me from being able to lead and pastor in some former churches. Let me be clear and fair though, I trust and believe in God’s placement of leadership in churches, and that the leadership of any given church/denomination needs to make the decisions that they feel led by God to do. So this is in no way a - “blame everyone else for me not getting what I want” thing. The point is that because I didn’t seem to fit or be good enough, I was always on a quest to figure out why I was so flawed and why many of the things I liked and learned from were so wrong. And it became a never ending circle of how I saw myself, how I thought everyone else saw me, and ultimately how God saw me… flawed and unusable.
See.. as far as I can remember, I have been more afraid of what others think of me, than even what I believe God thinks of me. To be honest though, I automatically assume that those who don’t think well of me represent a larger group - which fully and automatically includes God. And those that do think ill of me, yup, they automatically drown out the great amazing people who care for me, have carried me through those times, and love me… because those that do like me and think I can do things, well - “they’re just being nice”. You know, like parents, they have to say nice things about you whether they mean it or not. But I think I’ve gotten to the point in my life though where I feel worse for disregarding the love and care all of you amazing people have shown me. And for letting the negative voices always rule. For not trusting that what you say, you mean. And it’s not that you have not told me difficult things or have constantly said I was amazing whenever I needed correction; you’ve spoken “truth in love” into my life. So I’m sorry for not allowing you’re thoughts, correction and encouragement to weigh heavier on how I see things in life, and with God. It’s amazing how key relationship is with all of this, and in life in general. The issue was that I always wanted to be more prepared for when either my past would come up, or when people would look at me and say “Here’s why Chris isn’t good enough for...”
Essentially, I’ve been feeding triple cheeseburgers to my past to make sure I was fattened up enough, to absorb the the blow, whenever it came up…
Cause it inevitably would, and I needed to be ready. So… I have spent most of my 20’s and 30’s telling almost everyone who has come into my life my story of failures, inferiority and why “you and God should (and do already) think I’m a loser”.
The crazy thing is - I still was never ready, I was only kidding myself thinking I would be when it came up. Over the last couple of years, God has used the relationships and voices of today to meld with those who’ve stood with me from the past in helping me move on from what can be left behind, and change some things that should be changed.
Even so, taking this into account: I so badly wish I could change some things in my past, but I know I can’t (no one can). I can’t go back and undo the things that were done. I can’t grab back words that I’ve said or completely erase things that I’ve written publicly. I’m still so sorry for those I hurt or messed up with. I will always be learning and growing and listening because I don’t have everything right.
And I realize I can’t control that no matter what I do, say or write… … there will still be some that think I’m a hypocrite, … some that always remember who I was and what I did, … some that think I can never change, … some that won’t think I’m good enough, and some that wonder if I really follow Jesus. I know there are some things I just can’t change, but I can be different now… and God inexplicably (and in some peoples’ minds - unfairly) gives us grace, mercy and the opportunity to move on from our pasts - and live a changed life.
I don’t move on because I deserve anything or feel like I can pronounce myself forgiven and good now. I don’t have enough power or good works in the world to ever do that. So I rest on the fact God’s word says He has forgiven me (and a number of people in my past have graciously extended forgiveness to me as well), and given me the grace and mercy to move on through Jesus.I certainly don’t take that gift of grace and forgiveness for granted.
So, to wrap this up - …when I made a change as I started writing for XXXChurch.com to write under my own name, there was a risk in writing as “Chris Kozacek” instead of another pseudonym. Not because there were a lot of people who didn’t know my story, but because so much of what I learned about the Christian life is to not admit struggle and failure. But there was a power over, and freedom from, constantly beating myself up over my past by sharing openly, authentically and honestly about where I’ve been and where I’m wanting to go now.
And to give credit and thanks to a number of people (especially at YFC and Adullam right now), I haven’t been subtly asked to pretend I had no skeletons in the past (or present, that wouldn’t reflect well on the organization/staff just by me being associated with them. Stories of grace, brokenness and God’s power to change people are desired and encourage for me - and others to share. And I’m grateful that these have also been healing places that have built on the time and words of others who have walked beside me for years; and have broken the chains of performance and perfection - and the inability to truly share where I’ve come from, to who God is making me now.
So, after this post, I will be using ChrisKozacek.com for blogging in the future;
...not because I am famous;
…or super important to the world as a whole;
…or because I bring some amazing take on life and faith that no one else could ever have;
...I guess it’s because I finally feel like I am able to.
Thank You all who have walked with me for however long you have, and have continued to show me grace, love and respect - you are truly God sends for me!
Love,
astory
brokensoul
RealGrace
crackedroundpeg
cultivate
echoinggrace
brokenbole
Chris Kozacek
(BTW… I realize that by writing this post, I open myself up to more public accountability and comments on how well I’m living this out! My hope is that it goes very well!) :)
